


Resident Evil: Threesome

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [10]
Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, F/M, Farce, Parody, Porn, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:15:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25774993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Join the ironically named Jill Valentine as she encounters her most powerful foe yet, the Umbrella Corp.'s Sexual-Dysfunction-Nemesis!But is she in for true love, or a one night stand?
Relationships: Claire Redfield/Ada Wong, Claire Redfield/Elza Walker, Claire Redfield/Jill Valentine, Nemesis/Jill Valentine
Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672396
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I realize the title is not very original, but whatever.

Jill Valentine was bored and lonely, trapped as she was in her studio apartment in downtown Racoon City. With nothing else to do but worry, she instead masturbated almost incessantly. She knew she was taking a risk, what with being under constant surveillance by Umbrella’s thugs, but she couldn’t help herself. The pleasure was just too great.

She had gotten quite good at it, too, so much so that if it hadn’t been for her crappy 1998 dial-up connection, she might have been one of the world’s first successful cam girls. But alas, it was not to be. Right now, she was thinking very hard about Claire Redfield, Chris’s kid sister. Though of course she wasn’t a kid anymore, she was in college, and probably a little older than Rebecca Chambers, another young woman who strayed into Jill’s thoughts quite often recently. If only they could have shacked up together, or left Racoon City together.

The two crushes mingled lovingly in Jill’s mind, but before she could finish (the thought), the phone rang rudely. She tried to continue, but whoever it was just wouldn’t stop. Finally she gave up, wiped her hands on the moist towelette she kept near her bed for just such an emergency, and pulled her pajama bottoms back up. Then, grimacing, she answered the phone.

“Hello?”

_“Jill! You’ve got to get out of there! He’s coming!”_

Brad Vickers, the forever-emasculated former teammate of Jill’s. She thought what he said was hilarious given the context, but she tried to calm him down.

“Brad, calm down! Who’s coming?”

_“He’s coming! Right now! Inside your building!”_

Jill heard heavy footsteps out in the hallway, approaching from the direction of the elevator.

“Don’t worry, Brad, I’ll handle it.”

_“No, wait, you don’t—”_

And Jill hung up the phone. Just her luck to be interrupted by him. Although, to be honest, since he was the only person left in town she could (probably) trust, she thought she might have to invite him in for a booty call. Normally she wasn’t that into guys, but some quick sex _sans_ commitment might be just what the doctor ordered. Besides, she was sure Brad was the sort of man who would do exactly what she asked him to, and he couldn’t’ve joined S.T.A.R.S. without an ability to be precise in his actions.

The heavy footsteps stopped outside her door, and the bell rang. _“SPECIAL DELIVERY_ ,” called out a gruff, hypermasculine voice. Jill presumed it was another of Umbrella’s goons attempting to seduce her. Ever since the mansion incident, wherein Jill and her companions on the force uncovered Umbrella’s secret sexual dysfunction and perversions lab, the company had been trying various honeypot schemes to discredit her. It had worked on most everyone else, and the only ones left besides her and Brad were the three who had gone underground: Chris, Rebecca, and Barry Burton, the only family man among them. Oh, and of course Wesker had disappeared, but then he had been on Umbrella’s payroll the whole time, the fucker.

Jill looked through the peephole, but could only see what appeared to be some black leather jacket or something. Sighing, she undid the locks, wondering if this was finally going to be the one time she lost control, and took whatever sex acts they were willing to throw at her. As she opened the door, the whiff of air that entered, assailing her nostrils, was the first clue she recognized that things would be different this time.

_(That musk!)_

There was a man standing outside, or at least what at first glance was shaped like a man. He was huge, wearing a black leather trench coat and matching pants, boots, and gloves. His face was covered in duct tape, only exposing his big mouth and one watery, bloodshot eye. He was holding in one hand a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates cradled in the crook of his arm. In his other hand was an overstuffed briefcase. She could see several one-hundred-dollar bills inartfully sticking out of its seams.

_“WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?”_

Jill had to chuckle at the thing. Still, given what she’d seen firsthand back up at the Spencer Mansion, she knew she was in for a treat if she relented.

“Fine. Come inside.”

It was smart enough to grin at her choice of words.

***

The thing sat next to her on the bed, weighing it down. They each had some chocolates, then got down to business.

“So, are you some new form of Tyrant?” asked Jill all casual-like.

He shook his head. _“NO. AM NEMESIS.”_ And he flexed his biceps!

“Wow. Okay, let’s see that dick.” It was impressive in girth, so much so that she’d never be able to mount the thing. But his balls were also huge, and she surmised he was engineered for full-body facials.

She was about to ask him how good he was at cunnilingus, when she blurted out, “Why are you wearing that on your face?” Then she blushed, for the question might seem rude.

Nemesis didn’t mind. _“I SUNBURN EASILY,”_ he explained. Then he rolled up his sleeve, and just as Jill was starting to worry that even his fingers might be too big for her, she spotted the tentacle growing out of his forearm. It slithered sensuously this way and that.

_“ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.”_ And her grinned at her.

“Woof,” said Jill.

***

Afterward, while Nemesis napped loudly, Jill took a long, deep cleansing shower to get all the cum off. She rinsed and repeated multiple times, just to be sure. Then, just as she was toweling off, and listening to the sounds off his gentle but deeply permeating snores, the lights went out. She fumbled for her emergency flashlight, and got dressed in its dim glow. Then, grabbing one more chocolate for the road, she slipped out, locking the door behind her.

“I wonder what’s going on,” she thought out loud. She took the stairs down, and as the stairwell had windows, she could see that the blackout extended as far as she could see. Exiting the building, she was struck dumb by the massive parking lot the street had become.

“What the hell?”

“Jill!” It was Brad. “Jill! Are you alright?”

“Never been better, Brad,” and Brad had to laugh at the shit-eating grin on her face.

“I guess I was too late, huh,” he said with puppy-dog eyes.

“No, you were just in time. But what’s been going on downtown?”

“Some kind of leak. It’s just like the mansion incident, except it’s the whole city now. Almost everyone overage has been infected, and society has broken down completely with all the constant fornicating. People are starving to death because they can’t stop fucking, and the STDs are deadly.”

“But what about the children?” asked Jill, faux hysterically.

“UBCS evacuated them all days ago. I’m surprised you didn’t see it on the news.”

“Umbrella’s goons cut my cable a month ago. They should’ve piped in nonstop porn instead, I would’ve broken a lot sooner.”

Brad winced, and looked thoughtfully at Jill. “So you did it, then?”

“Yup. No regrets.”

“Lucky you. They didn’t even try to seduce me. They just slipped a note under my door saying I was too much of a cuck to begin with, there was no point in ruining me.”

Now Jill winced. Poor Brad. She started to get in the mood for some pity sex, but there was a roar behind them from the direction of upstairs and to the left.

“Nemey! I should have left a note!”

“You call him Nemey?”

“Yeah, it’s a pet name I just made up.”

“Oh jeez, let’s just get to the police station, it should be relatively safe there.”

And as Brad started to walk away, Jill felt torn. Torn between loyalty to her old teammate and potential pity-fuck, her new boytoy whom she may have thoughtlessly hurt via neglect, and her lingering fantasies towards Claire Redfield and Rebecca Chambers. Oh, what could she possibly do?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know where I am going with this...

Claire Redfield hung up the payphone, worried. What kind of weirdo was Jill dating? And was it serious? When her brother had gone off the grid, one of the reasons Claire was so eager to visit Racoon City was because of her crush on Jill. But now things had gotten suddenly, awkwardly complicated.

“What did she say?” asked Elza Walker, Claire’s college roommate and sort of girlfriend. She was blonde and blue-eyed, liked motorcycles, and that’s about all the characterization I’ve got to go on. But I liked her cut character model when I was a kid, so I’ve put her in here as well.

“She wasn’t home. I think her boyfriend answered the phone.”

“Oh? What did he say?”

“Something about, ‘Where’s my Valentine?’ Honestly, she was probably stepping out to buy cigarettes at the time.”

Elza laughed, then stopped when she realized Claire wasn’t making a joke. “So, are we just going straight there?”

Claire shook her head. “Nah. Let’s stop at the police station first, in case Chris left me a note.”

They both got back onto Claire’s bike, Elza in front. Elza had once raced motorcycles for a year or so, before giving up on it. That’s a meta joke for those in the know, I might make a few of those. Anyway, she was a better driver than Claire, so Claire wrapped her arms around Elza’s waist and held on tight. She loved being so intimate with someone, and having to depend on her in such a potentially dangerous situation, almost like I’m foreshadowing something here. And while speculating on the state of Jill’s love life was uncomfortable, there was always Rebecca Chambers to think about. Heck, they were practically peers, and Claire had always avidly listened to Chris and Jill gush about the S.T.A.R.S. prodigy.

As they drove off into town, a jeep pulled up. Out stepped Leon Kennedy, rookie cop and pretty boy. His pager went off, so he called the developer on the gas station’s payphone.

“Oh, so I’m not scheduled to appear until the Resident Evil 4 parody? Got it.”

He hung up the phone, gassed up his jeep, and disappeared into the dark to await his next fanfic opportunity.

***

The city was strangely quiet. There was no traffic at all, but upon reaching the downtown, the streets became impassable due to all the parked cars.

“What the hell happened?” asked Elza. Claire didn’t know what to say.

No sooner had they parked the bike and begun weaving through the maze of automobiles that they realized things were well and truly fucked.

“Are those…are those a bunch of old people sixty-nining? _In public?”_

Indeed it was. A mob of geriatric swingers arose from the shadows, chanting _“fresh meat, fresh meat,”_ and our heroes made the obvious yet tactically brilliant ploy of climbing on top of the cars to escape. They reached the police station in record time, if only that was an option in a speed run, and barred the gate behind them.

“What’s gotten into everyone?” Elza was appalled.

“I’m sure Umbrella must have had a chemical spill, Chris alluded to as much back in August.”

They caught their breath, then entered the front door. The distant sound of old-people fucking made them barricade the door behind them. Then they looked around the police station lobby.

“This is such a strange design for cops,” muttered Elza. Claire agreed with her.

“There’s some bullshit backstory about it being an art museum, city hall, and the public library at various times.”

“Really? Then how could they build a cell block in the basement, if the building on top existed first?”

Claire shrugged. “Video game magic.”

That explains a lot.

There was a beeping sound from over by the front desk. They went over and checked it out.

“Look, there’s a laptop with streaming security camera footage,” said Claire.

“In 1998,” said Elza. Claire frowned, and Elza realized she’d just have to accept the unexpected.

There was a woman on the screen. Claire and Elza followed her progress through the building.

“I bet there’s a FNAF rip-off in the works,” said Elza, and Claire shushed her, for the woman was beautiful, and took her breath away.

“I love her red dress,” murmured Claire, and Elza snickered.

“What?” asked Claire indignantly.

“I love the thought of her getting out of it,” admitted Elza.

The woman in the red dress found her path blocked by a shutter. They heard her desperate cries: “Jill? Somebody, anybody? Please help!”

A small mob of horny old men could be seen approaching very slowly in the distance. Their walkers created a traffic jam that they struggled to navigate, giving the woman in the red dress time to look ever more hot and sexy.

“Elza,” said Claire, “we have to rescue her. It’s what the title calls for!”

“But I thought you were saving yourself for Jill and me?”

“Damn it, we don’t know where Jill is, but this chick is right over there, so let’s get her out of harm’s way and into a tryst with us!”

She found the door into the east hallway. It was covered with graffiti, reminding everyone to wear a condom. She opened the way, crawling under a broken gate, and after a moment’s hesitation, Elza followed.

“We stick together,” she said, and Claire felt genuine affection for her, and not just the flighty infatuation that had characterized their sexual relationship up to this point.

**

The east hallway was quite dark. In the adjoining rooms, they could hear snores, punctuated by the occasional lazy fuck. They crept along, until the sound of pounding, shaking metal startled them, and they picked up the pace.

They found the metal shutter. “Here, help me lift this,” said Claire. They created a gap for the woman in the red dress to crawl through. Tempted, Claire got down and peered through. One of the geezers was almost halfway to the shutter. He proceeded to tell them about how he had started the sexual revolution back in the sixties, and how he knew all sorts of things that would blow the young people’s minds, if only they weren’t all playing video games all the time.

Claire slammed the shutter shut and helped the woman to her feet.

“I’m Ada Wong,” she said, and she shook Claire’s hand.

“I’m in love,” said Claire, and then she turned away in embarrassment.

“I’m Elza, and this is my girlfriend Claire, and we’re pleased to meet you,” said Elza, in a winning manner.

“Let’s get out of here,” said Ada, and the two college girls meekly followed her back towards the lobby.

“Listen, kids. There are some big dick monsters lurking about. As soon as I find Jill Valentine, we can get out of here and rent a room in Silent Hill or wherever. Understand?”

Claire perked up. “Does that mean you love us, too?”

Ada looked at her. “Sure, kid, if that’s what you want to believe. But I’m mainly here for the sex.”

They turned the last corner before the door back to the lobby, when there was a great crash and smash.

“It’s Mr. X!” shouted Ada, and she booked it double time.

“Wait, who’s Mr. X?” asked Elza.

Heavy footsteps pounded toward them. “Big dick energy!” explained Ada.

“Woof,” said Elza, but Claire wasn’t in the mood to fool around. They made it back to the lobby, only to find someone else waiting for them.

_“JILL, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?”_ yelled Nemesis. Then a door opened up on the second floor.

_“ANNETTE, WHERE’S ANNETTE? IT’S TIME FOR A SECOND HONEYMOON!”_ screamed William Birkin. Half his body was ripped and buff, and he had a huge cock and balls in his hands.

“Oh, no!” said Elza, but she didn’t really mean it. She was looking at the boys with a certain eager glint in her eyes. Even Claire had to admit she was feeling a little curious about the interlopers. Then the door behind them flew open, and Mr. X stepped out.

“Hrrgh!” he grunted. His trench coat couldn’t hide the bulge in his pants, but he barely noticed the hot young women before him, instead being only concerned with canceling his rivals.

_“GIVE ME BACK ANNETTE!”_ roared Birkin nonsensically, and he charged Mr. X. The girls scattered as the epic fist fight commenced, smashing furniture all about. But Nemesis just stood back.

_“I FINISH OFF WINNER, MAKE HIM LOSER, HEH HEH,”_ whispered Nemey, and Claire couldn’t help but appreciate his tactical thought. _“THEN FIND JILL, GO TO VEGAS. I BOUGHT RING.”_ It was actually a bracelet, the entire circumference studded with diamonds, which as far as Claire and the others were concerned was better than a ring. Plus it showed he had a basic grasp of the concept at hand.

“I’m feeling kind of jealous of Jill right now,” admitted Claire, as Mr. X gave Birkin an illegal nut punch. Birkin reacted by knocking off Mr. X’s hat, which was just plain rude.

“What’s she doing right now, anyway?”

Ada explained. “She went upstairs to rescue Katherine Warren, the Mayor’s daughter. Usually she’s already dead at this point in the game, but in the remake she’s pretty hot, so Jill didn’t want to waste her. Especially with Nemey available.”

“Whatever happened to Brad Vickers, by the way?” asked Elza. “I was just reading Chapter One, and it never explained his ultimate fate.”

“Between her apartment and the police station, Jill and Brad cut through a bar infested with horny coeds. Brad sacrificed himself so Jill could get away. She told me he looked so happy as they tore his clothes off and sat on his face.”

_Wow,_ thought Claire, _there really ARE happy endings._

The fight was suddenly interrupted by the appearance of Jill and the lovely Ms. Warren at the top of the second floor stairs. _“JILL, I CAN’T QUIT YOU!”_ roared Nemey, and Jill blushed like a schoolgirl. Then the two fighting monsters stopped, realizing Nemesis was about to get away with all the booty, and the fight was on.

“We’ve got to get out of here,” said Jill as she joined the others. “Oh hi Claire.”

“Hey.” Claire couldn’t help herself. She had to give Jill a smooch on the lips. This caused everyone to lose control, and soon the sounds of battle were punctuated by the lovely smackings of kisses.

“Should we wait outside for your boyfriend?” asked Ada pointedly. Jill shook her head.

“He’s really sensitive. I’m afraid it would hurt him, and he’d lose the fight.”

But she needn’t have worried. Despite Mr. X and Birkin both sprouting massive claws out of literally nowhere, nothing could stop the power of love in Nemey’s massive heart. His foes bowed before him in awe and meekness and respect.

_“JILL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?”_

Jill was ecstatic and tearful. “Yes, oh God, YES!”

They kissed, and Claire noticed that even cold Ada was looking sad and jealous.

***

Outside they found the epilogue to this chapter: one Miss Rebecca Chambers, extraordinaire. She stood next to what was obviously a time machine.

“I’m so happy for you,” she said to Jill and her fiancée, even though no one had told her what had happened.

“Thank you,” said Jill. “But where are we going?”

“To the future,” said Rebecca. “The next game in the series worthy of parody doesn’t come out until 2004.”

_“I’M SO EXCITED,”_ said Nemey, and Claire didn’t blame him. She wondered what new adventures awaited them, she and her gal pals, and Jill’s studly stud.

**Author's Note:**

> I have to end the story here, unfortunately. Resident Evils 4 & 5 are just not as fun for me to parody, maybe because I haven't played them in many years. I just have no way to bring together Ingrid Hunnigan, Ashley Graham, and Sheva Alomar in any kind of fun or funny way. Although, I will editorialize here, if nothing else.
> 
> I never understood the fan rejection of Sheva. People called her useless, but I never found her that. Maybe the problem was that everyone else expected a fully autonomous being, whereas I knew Sheva was a bot, basically Ashley Graham with guns. So I never expected Sheva to be able to handle herself all on her own; instead, I always kept her right behind me, and was cognizant of her location at all times. If I left her alone to fight, it was always in a supporting position. That is, if there was a place where she could overwatch the battlefield while I did most of the fighting, that was where I'd leave her. Usually this would also be an unflankable or nearly unflankable position, too, which made managing her health more reasonable.


End file.
